The Cancer Diaries

I hope that everyone has had a great New Year.  I did.  I had a brilliant night last night with my family and friends and was reminded once again how lucky I am.  So last year was maybe not my best but it could have been a lot worse and the fact that I am still here proves it.  This year I plan for things to be slightly different, this year I intend to start living my life again (or maybe that should be finally start living my life).  This year I am going to laugh more, enjoy the outdoors more, fall in love (maybe), read more (I am open to ideas and suggestions), take more risks and chances (again ideas and suggestions), become more interested in politics, keep in better contact with my friends and family, get fit, put others first, love more, take more photos to remember all of this and continue to beat cancers butt.  These are my aims and I hope by having them then 2017 will be an unforgettable year and I hope that it is also wonderfully unforgettable and truly marvellous for all my friends and family xxx

 

 

Tomorrow I am away back down to Glasgow.  After being off chemo tablets for a month I am going to go down to pick them up and I can’t say I am looking forward to it.  While at the moment I do have an infection, which means I wont be able to start the chemo straight away, I know that at some point next week I will have to start popping the tablets again.  I thought that going on the tablets was going to be easy but it turns out that is not the case. Today, however, I heard that after being off the tablets for such a long time my liver function and blood count is almost normal again and I am willing to take that as a win.  I am also letting myself enjoy the run up to Christmas this year.  I know it is only November  but this time last year I was very sick (and very, very yellow) and unsure what the future held so this year I am making up for lost time.  Therefore be warned that from now (until the tablets do their nasty stuff) I am declaring it the season to be merry and so help anything, especially cancer, that gets in my way.

Home tomorrow or the next day, yippee.  I have been on lots of antibiotics and have been given blood (I can’t stress this strongly enough but if you can please, please donate) and I have now been off chemo for 2 weeks so while I may be in hospital I am actually feeling the best that  I have in a long while.  This said they do plan to dose me up before letting me go (evil, evil doctors).  So with this in mind the plan is to go home and enjoy the run up to Christmas (yes I am using the C word already) making up for last year. I love this time of year, I love the hope and the promise that it offers.  The sun is shining, the sky is blue and I am getting home soon, what more can a girl ask for?  Well I do have a list but…..

Ok call this overshare but the problem with having a lump/infection in your breast is that you have to keep flashing your boobs at strangers.  Now there may once have been a time in my life, given enough to drink, that would not have been an issue but really that was around 20 years ago and I think I am well past that point now (if my parents are reading this I was ALWAYS well behaved).   Also my wonderful doctors (and they are) stopped by today to say that I will be in over the weekend so no bonfire night for me this year.  However being that I am in the centre of Glasgow I guess I can find a window somewhere that points in a direction of a firework display.  Oh well here’s to November 5th 2017 as there is no way I am missing 3 Guy Fawkes nights in a row.  Now I call that forward planning.

Life has a funny way of making circles.  This time last year I was in hospital and I was kind of hoping that I was finished with sleep overs in the Beatson but no such luck.  A week ago on Friday I came down and was taken off my chemo (big smile) as I was on a bit too much and I was struggling with various infections.  Since then everything has mostly improved so today I came down for intravenous and intrathecal chemo only to be told that I was going to be moving back in due to an infection and that chemo was cancelled again (the things one does to avoid it).  So here I am chilling in the Friends of the Beatson, as I probably was this time last year, but on the plus side I know I will be out in a few days (I truly thank God for intravenous antibiotics).    As always the staff here (like all the medical staff I have met)  are fantastic and the 7 hours I spent in out-patients waiting to see what was happening  passed in a blur of fun and laughter.  I guess even though I may not want to be here I have to admit that there are much worse places I could be and fingers crossed it is only for a couple of days as this year I intend to be home for bonfire night.

I know it has been a while since I have written here but I thought doing something useful instead of watching another American detective programme might be a better bet at the moment (who knew how many crime programmes were on T.V. in one day) so I opened my laptop to work on an essay and ended here instead.  So here I am 3 months on my maintenance therapy and it is not quite what I thought it would be.  I thought that taking the chemo tablets would be easy and by this time I would be ready to go back to work, however I misjudged that.  The chemo tablets are leaving me exhausted, although I am still trying to keep on top of things, so while cooking a meal may be out I have started my OU course which is challenging (chemo brain) but worth it.  I have also, due to my neutrophils being low, managed to end up with a shingles type of infection which is not helping matters much and is giving me a wonderfully sexy cold sore on my lip.  Thankfully all the medical staff have been fab and my chemo dose has been dropped and I am on strong antivirals therefore hopefully by the time I attend the Beatson everything will be back on an even keel again.  So that is my news for the time being.  I guess I really should get on with my essay as it is due in on Thursday and avoiding it won’t help no matter what I think.

Still struggling with anxiety at the moment.  Struggling with trying to live my life with cancer. What is my life going to be like now?  Will the cancer come back?  Is there something better or worse around the corner?   Can I live my life, really live my life, being scared all the time?  Today I woke up in a panic about whether I should keep my animals or is it a better bet to rehome them just in case?  I have said it before, and will say it again, the chemo is not the worse part of having cancer. I think the one thing that being ill has shown me is just how fragile life truly is (I thought I knew before but I was wrong) and how we should grasp the good things in our lives with both hands and never take people and things for granted.  I am one of the lucky ones as I am still here, and I know that, but I have to tell you this the anxiety is crippling.   I am trying not to make any major decisions at the moment and just take each day at a time and I hope that in time I will have a better idea of where my life is going (or as much of an idea as I ever did which I guess was kind of limited anyway).

Today has been an odd yet wonderful sort of day.  Since starting maintenance I have been feeling pretty awful.  I am exhausted all of the time and feel sick 90% of the time.  Then last night the anxiety started again, which is something I have not felt in a very long time, and unless you have suffered from anxiety is almost impossible to explain how irrational and yet all consuming fear can be. Today I was to attend a  bible study in Kyle and I kept thinking that I could not go and before I got sick I would have given in and just cancelled but not today.  Today I stood my ground and did not run and hide but continued with my plans and I had a wonderful afternoon, spending time listening to Gods word, with some amazing people.  Struggling with illness be it physical or mental is always going to be tough,  but for me today was a win, and I must remember that no matter what life throws at me from now on there will be no more running away, for if I can beat cancer (and I will) then I can do anything – well maybe not brain surgery in the near future but you know what I mean ;o)

Who could know that 2 weeks could pass so fast.  I have just spent a wonderful couple of weeks with my sister and her family in Essex and it was so good to be doing something that did not involve hospitals in any way.  It was almost possible to forget that there was anything wrong with me (except for the wonderful case of sunburn) and just get on with meeting new people and having fun.  It is only when you stop running from appointment to appointment that you realise that life is passing you by and just how much cancer takes over everything; these 2 weeks have given me space to breath and gather myself again.  Now however I am back home and back to the hospital stuff.  Yesterday I had an eye scan, which I hope is ok, and tomorrow it is back down to Glasgow to see my consultant and to pick up more meds.  Today however is all about forms, I am filling in benefits forms (such fun) and also applying to do a psychology and counselling degree (which is more fun).   This course shall be a bit of a challenge as my brain seems to have shut down since the chemo started but we shall see how it goes and anyway some people would question whether I ever had a brain anyway ;o)

Good news – my eyes are improving yippee.  I have a hospital appointment next month but they are getting better.  Also great news – I have finished my consolidation treatment and am now on maintenance which is much less intense, yippee.

On Friday I went to Inverness for treatment and I must admit I was not feeling my best.  These days I am exhausted and doing anything too physical i.e. walking longer than the length of the house exhausts me.  However when I was in Inverness a stranger came up to me and told me how beautiful and inspiring I was. (Let me tell you a secret I have never felt beautiful in my life and even less so now).  Later after lunch I met the woman again and she repeated her earlier comments (no I was not stalking her) and I must admit that it lifted my spirits.  Ok I know that I am NOT beautiful but while I had never met this woman before and probably never will again her words improved my day (although dad questioned if she really meant me – you have to love him).   This just goes to show how a few positive words can work wonders, and reminded me to always think before I speak, because words are one of our most powerful tools and we should use them responsibly.