Stop, I want off.
Today has not been a good day. Today has been the kind of day when I just want to throw all my toys out of the pram. I am lying on a bed and a doctor is pushing needles in my hips bones and my spine and poking and prodding and asking if I am ok and I just want to say NO, no I am not ok. I want to quit this. If I was sick I would know, so lets stop all this other stuff. I came so very, very close to saying enough is enough today. While saying all this I do know that there are people out there that are so much worse off than I am and that I am so very lucky but it is uncomfortable and hurts and when I see the room that they do the procedures in there is a little bit of me that wants to run away and that is embarrassing to admit when you know you have to be grown-up about it.
I guess I was already a bit frustrated before today as I have had to deal with the changes that this illness brings. Things like losing my jobs, having to keep and eye on my blood counts and coping with them when they are low or watching as my parents work on the house, for example, and not being able to help them like I used to. Two years ago I had 4 jobs, did not have to worry about infections (had never heard the word neutropenia thankfully) and was helping lift plasterboard on to the ceiling and walls of the house and now I have to tell my parents (neither of whom are fit themselves) I am sorry but I can’t help. I try to do what I can but I should be doing more. While saying all of that I do count my blessings. I try to think of this as a time of change, that there is something new waiting out there for me and whether or not I can help my parents I am so lucky to be spending time with them and appreciate this as an adult so much more than I did as a child. I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboards and I know that I am blessed with a great family and fantastic friends but some days are just that little bit harder than I would like them to be. However tomorrow, as they say, is another day,,,,one with a few less needles thankfully.