Still struggling with anxiety at the moment. Struggling with trying to live my life with cancer. What is my life going to be like now? Will the cancer come back? Is there something better or worse around the corner? Can I live my life, really live my life, being scared all the time? Today I woke up in a panic about whether I should keep my animals or is it a better bet to rehome them just in case? I have said it before, and will say it again, the chemo is not the worse part of having cancer. I think the one thing that being ill has shown me is just how fragile life truly is (I thought I knew before but I was wrong) and how we should grasp the good things in our lives with both hands and never take people and things for granted. I am one of the lucky ones as I am still here, and I know that, but I have to tell you this the anxiety is crippling. I am trying not to make any major decisions at the moment and just take each day at a time and I hope that in time I will have a better idea of where my life is going (or as much of an idea as I ever did which I guess was kind of limited anyway).
Today has been an odd yet wonderful sort of day. Since starting maintenance I have been feeling pretty awful. I am exhausted all of the time and feel sick 90% of the time. Then last night the anxiety started again, which is something I have not felt in a very long time, and unless you have suffered from anxiety is almost impossible to explain how irrational and yet all consuming fear can be. Today I was to attend a bible study in Kyle and I kept thinking that I could not go and before I got sick I would have given in and just cancelled but not today. Today I stood my ground and did not run and hide but continued with my plans and I had a wonderful afternoon, spending time listening to Gods word, with some amazing people. Struggling with illness be it physical or mental is always going to be tough, but for me today was a win, and I must remember that no matter what life throws at me from now on there will be no more running away, for if I can beat cancer (and I will) then I can do anything – well maybe not brain surgery in the near future but you know what I mean ;o)