Each time I post something I keep thinking that this will be the last time, however you may be sad to know that I appear to not have an off switch. The thing is these posts started of as a way for me to process what I was going through but they have turned in to something else. They have become a way of showing (I hope) at least one honest account of what cancer and its aftermath are like and while I would like to say that it all returns to normal after the chemo is finished I am beginning to realise that there is no going back and that my “normal” now is something that I have yet to truly find.
Tomorrow I have my 3 monthly bloods taken and while I know that the cancer is not back I have to wait until Wednesday to KNOW that the caner is not back. Today, tomorrow and Tuesday are and will not be easy days, as my anxiety levels tend to get the better of me, but the truth is there is nothing I can do to change the results nor how I feel until Wednesday when I will be able to take a deep breath and move on again.
To top it all off I am also waiting for the results of another gynaecological (yes I know a horrid word) biopsy. Here is what they don’t talk about when it comes to chemo – it can cause an early menopause – but then your body does not really get with the program and starts playing up. I have explained to these doctors that I have already done my cancer bit so they need not worry about that but still they like taking little bits out of me to test every 3 months. This has really helped to put my smear tests into perspective (and ladies if you have missed yours please go and get it done as a little embarrassment is so worth it in the long run) and I am glad that I got myself checked out, I would just like to have these results as well as it is the waiting, the not knowing that is the real problem.
In saying all that, while waiting for results does feel like everything stops or at least slows down, that is not actually the case. As of the middle of March I will have started my new job and I am so looking forward to being a contributing member of society again. The leukemia may have attempted to break me but it could and has not won -although on nights like this I still feel the aftershocks from the earthquake which it caused in my life. But aftershocks I can cope with and peace will reign again this time Wednesday evening.