So my treatment has now started. I have had two lots of chemo, and more anti’s than you could shake a stick at. Anti-sickness, anti-fungal, anti-viral, anti-sleep and diabetes inducing drugs (steroids), anti-infection injections and tomorrow I start the pentamidine again (which is an anti-lung infection drug). So the plan is still the same. Follow the same course of treatment as before until I am back in remission an then the big decisions are going to have to be made. I must admit I am tired today but not too tired to go out and find a church to attend and it seems that the one I found has connections with half of Glenelg. There are some people who may think it is funny (odd) that I still want to go to Church especially now the leukemia has come back, but there is no issue about me looking for blame, looking to point the finger; It is what it is. Worse things happen to better people all of the time and trying to look for answers to the big question of WHY will just drive me mad so my great plan is just to take this one day at a time. I have been told this is probably going to be a rougher ride than last time but that does not worry me because we have done it before and I know that we can do it all again. xx
This has been the longest and shortest week of my life. Yesterday I spent the day behaving like an upset toddler, refusing to pack until the very last minute. However no matter how amazing I may believe I am I have yet to find a way to stop time ;o) So here I am back in B7 of the Beatson and the poking and prodding has began again. I forgot how much they like sticking sharp objects into people and by people I mean me! So this week has been one of highs and lows – of being confident that all will be well to being terrified of all the things that can go wrong. This was never part of the plan, I have just been accepted to train for the ministry, to do my Masters and was even beginning to understand at least some areas of my job in the doctors surgery (just don’t ask my boss to support that comment ;o) Cancer was behind me. Things were going right and now…… Well I have allowed myself a couple of days of negative thoughts, of having doubts, of being, well being terrified but no more. How can I be negative when everyone, and I mean everyone, I have spoken to has been so positive. We have go this. If it was not for you lot I would probably be weeping in a corner somewhere but that is not an option. So tomorrow I get my wires put in and then we sort out the plan and sometime soon I start to get the good drugs and this time they will work. I don’t have an answer to why this has come back and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but today, today I know that I am doing ok, that nobody could ask for more support and that at no point do I have to do any of this alone (well apart from the poking and prodding that is ;o) because I have you, I have my family, I have the medical team and I have God and together we will get there….. wherever there is!!!!!
I wish I could say that I am doing ok, but the truth is that I am not sure I am. I am so scared and am trying to hide that from everyone which is why this post is not going up on Facebook. I had just started to get my life back to find a way forward. I was doing good, great even. Now I am left hoping for the best and fearing the worst. I don’t think I am strong enough to do this again but I have no option. I just want someone to tell me that it is all going to be ok but I know that they can’t. In truth I think this must be what drowning feels like but I am not giving up – if I paint on a smile for long enough I am sure that I will get it to stay and if I can convince all those around me that I am doing ok then maybe I can convince myself.
I am not really sure how to start this. I want to sit down with everyone and just look at them in that kind and heartfelt way that Dr. F has obviously practised and tell them the truth. The problem is that I am struggling with that truth. I thought I had fought my fight, I thought I had won my battles and my war, but I was so wrong. Today I was told that my leukemia really is back. Today I was told that I had lost and it had won. Today I was told we have to start again and find a new way to beat this thing. Today I was told that I have to go back in to the Beatson on Tuesday and today for the first time ever I started to question the outcome. But I am home now, I know I have people who love me, people who support me and God is with me – so what more can I ask for? In my last post I mentioned something about big pants well now I am just going to have to pull them over my leggings and find my superpower, because my story is not over yet not by a long shot. I understand if those of you on Facebook are getting fed up of my drama but I can’t say that I am going to stop posting any time soon, so if you need a break I get it and if you don’t then I guess all I can say is LETS DO THIS – you, me and God versus leukemia – I know which side I would choose to be on.
So there are some days when you get up and you just know it is going to be a good day. There are other days when you get up and you know it is just going to be crap (pardon the wording), when nothing you do goes right. Then there are the days when you get up, plod along and then life goes and……. well goes and slaps you in the face. Today turned out to be one of those days!
5 weeks ago I had my bloods done and they were a little off. 3 weeks ago I had my bloods done and they were a little offer (if you know what I mean ;o) On Monday I had my bloods done again and today I heard that they were a little more off. So what does that mean? Well it means that I have to go down to Glasgow next week with my big girl pants on and they are BIG. It means that I have to have a bone marrow biopsy on Monday (which I hate as it is kind of on the painful side) and then meet with my doctor on Tuesday for the results. It means that at that moment I am holding on to that life raft called remission with both hands while the water is getting rougher and the sharks are circling. It means that I had to tell my family that today could have been better. It means that if you are a person of faith please send up a prayer and if you are not just send me some happy thoughts if you can (oooh or chocolate would be nice ;o). It means that I am having to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. What it really means is that if you have stuck along for the ride thus far things may be about to get bumpy but I am sure we will cope. Love you all xxxx