So after all my moaning I did come down, I almost missed the bus but that was by mistake and not a deliberate ploy.   Today I had picc number 5 put in but it is choosing not to work so it is in my left arm and I have a cannula in my right hand.  Those of us who live in this country are so lucky and sometimes I think we (I) forget this.  Here I am getting top class medical care, care without which I would be dead, and we do so without having to deal with an impossible to pay bill at the end.  Every doctor and nurse I have met has done an amazing job.  One sat for almost an hour trying to get my picc to work and did so with more humour and good grace than I think I would have mustered (although she is glad to be off tomorrow).  I meet people every day, who are on this journey with me, and we are all so grateful for the amazing service provided.  We know we are the lucky ones although sometimes, like this weekend, it is hard to remember this.

Today I have felt my inner toddler rising to the surface.  Everything in me is screaming to stay home where I feel happy and healthy but I know that I have to go down and start another round of treatment.  It is kind of like fighting against our natural flight or fight instinct as I know that going down and having treatment means that I will start feeling sick again.  Every night this week I have been out for a walk at sunset and it makes me realise how lucky I am to still be here but if I want to beat this disease then I must keep fighting it and this means sticking more poison in my system and then dealing with the side effects.  So now I am off to pack my case, find my bus ticket and stat acting my age even if I think my inner toddler has a point.

Back down to Glasgow on Sunday and I can’t say that I am looking forward to it.  I am enjoying being home and it has almost been one month without chemo and thus I am feeling much better (although balder) for it.  It is not the going down (as I have great friends in Glasgow) or even the chemo that is the problem but rather the after effects I hate but I guess it will all be worth it in the end.  Since I have been home I have caught up with friends, started going out for walks, planting for the spring and yesterday I sorted out the duck pond (and yes I could hear the doctors shouting at me in my head) which now has happy ducks in it.  I have also started to go back to church and am feeling much better within myself for doing so.  While I became a Christian at 16 I let my bipolar take control of many areas of my life and in doing so destroyed my relationship with God.  Now I am working on building that back up and I hope that the person I am becoming is a nicer, more well rounded version of the one I was before I got ALL.I am not proud of many of the choices I have made in life but I have been lucky enough to have been given a second chance and intend to use it to the best of my ability.  I am not sure what the future holds but I know that I am back on the right path and this time I intend to stay on it.

I realise that I have been very quiet on here for a while now. In fact since my last round of chemo I have been exhausted and not achieving much, then last week I had to go down to Glasgow for the day to receive chemo in my spine (that had been forgotten about the week before) and that journey almost broke me – I don’t think I have ever been quite so tired before.  Over the weekend however, I ended up with a temperature and have been living in Broadford Hospital (getting antibiotics) since then though tonight I must admit that I am feeling much better.  This is a fantastic hospital and while I will not be sad to see the back of it tomorrow, all being well, the staff here are fantastic and you could not get better anywhere else.  On Friday I am back down to Glasgow to see my consultant and will hopefully find out what my next treatment step involves but until them I am looking forward to getting out and getting home and sleeping in my own bed again – it is the little things  in life that you have to be most grateful for.