Still here

So I was asked a couple of weeks ago by a friend why I had stopped posting updates and it has taken me a while to find an answer to that question.  I guess I though that the main reason was that with all of us in lockdown we were all in the same boat and I should just get on with it and I guess that is what I have been doing up to a point.   On reflection however, I believe that the main reason that I stopped posting is that I have lost myself a little along the way.  Unlike the last time fighting this disease, the spark that is in me (that is me) has become a little diminished and I am not sure how to get that back.  I guess that this time I am more tired than previous and it means that everything is just that bit harder.  I have asked the hospital if I can go back home but they have said no just now to that little idea.  This is due to the fact that my own cells are not giving way to the donor cells (I always knew I could be stubborn but did not relies that went down to  cellular level) and they need to do some more tests to decide their next plan of action.  They have said that it may mean that I need a top-up of donor cells but that raises the risk of GVHD so they are just playing the waiting game.  On the plus side this would not mean having to go back in to hospital as I can continue to be treated as an out patient but really I am just tired of this disease.  So while I may have given up a bit in the last few weeks and months I have recently given myself a bit of a shake and have even been in contact with the Church of Scotland and Aberdeen Uni to see if my places are still available for this year (chemo brain beware) which they are.  So my plan now is to try to pull myself together, to continue with the tests and treatments but to get home as soon as possible as both mum and myself need out of here.  This is the view we have had for the last 3 months and I can tell you this even mum is missing Glenelg at this point.

mums window


All I can say just now is that I am so grateful to the friends and family that have supported me thus far and can’t wait till I can see you all in person again, but until then keep safe and be kind to yourselves and each other.  Love you all xxxx