So today I did something that is long overdue. Today I wrote a letter to my donor. It is such a hard thing to do, to find the right words to say thank you to a total stranger, a stranger that saved your life. I am not sure if I have managed to really show my appreciation and gratitude, but I have given it my best shot.
So why am I writing it today you may ask? Or even, why did I not write it before? The simple answer is that it always felt a bit like tempting fate (yes I know, but still ;o) however today I just thought sod it. I must take a quick trip down to Glasgow for a hospital appointment on Monday, and yes in truth I am terrified. I hate the poking and prodding, and I hate the fact that it causes me to worry that they will find something. I also hate sitting with people in a waiting room knowing that for some reason I got lucky but not all of them will. Yes, I know we all have to die sometime, but few people have to face their possible demise on such a regular basis as those of us who are diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. The funny thing is that day to day I can forget all about leukaemia, but when that hospital letter comes in, then all bets are off. And even then, during the day, while the fear is still there it easily ignored, at night however it grows arms and legs. There is something about being alone in the darkness that allows the panic to take root and grow.
The other day I came across these words on Facebook.
“I dream of never being called resilient again in my life. I’m exhausted by strength. I want support. I want softness. I want ease. I want to be amongst kin. Not patted on the back for how well I take a hit. Or for how many.”
I don’t know who wrote them, but I do know I also dream of that day. I dream of the day when I don’t fear a bruise, or being tired, or a cough, or blood test results. I dream of the day when I don’t have to be brave and strong, when in truth all I want to do is run and avoid (I cancelled this appointment once already, but hey it was the week before Christmas, kind of a busy time). So Monday I will go, I will smile and laugh, get poked and prodded and wait for the results, which I know now will be fine, but come 2am I may not be so sure.
Love always, xxx