And now for the good news!
So I am going to start this post by apologizing. I am sorry if I have not replied to a message or email, if I owe you a thank you or have missed an important date or event in your life, you are important to me it is just the last few weeks have been very, very difficult. Even having been through this before I did not realise it was possible to feel this tired, or sick or worried. I have been spending some time considering what it means to be brave. I have decided that being brave is about choosing to continue with an action, belief or idea etc even when the odds are against you and you actually have a way out. Recently I have felt anything but brave. I don’t have a choice about what is happening to me and as such I have just kind of buried my head in the sand, possibly so deep that I am beginning to see daylight again ;o) I have been so busy trying to pretend that all is ok, even though I have been terrified that the treatment has not been working. I have spent days praying to God asking Him to cure me but acknowledging that is not always the way things work out. Then on Monday I had to go in for another bone marrow (oh they are just so much fun) and I received the results on Friday. Those were some of the longest days that I have had to face. On Friday morning I woke up and stopped asking God to heal me and instead just prayed that His will be done and that I would have the strength to deal with the outcome. It turns out that sometimes just handing it all over to God works, who knew ;o) and we did it – I am in remission. The new drugs are working. So for the time being I can stop making plans for the worst case scenario and try to start focusing on the here and now. I still have 3 rounds of chemo to go and then I take the next step. On the 31st of December I go in to the Queen Elizabeth to start my transplant (ok I know they could have picked a better date). So I really just want to take this opportunity to say sorry again for being a lousy friend, to thank you for all you support and to ask you to continue on this journey with me as we move forward, move hospitals and move treatment plans. Thanks xxxx