On the 13th of February I turn 1. It is hard to believe that almost a year has gone past and I am still here. I am one of the lucky ones and I do know that. In a year when we have lost so many, I still get to wake up each morning and face another day, both the good and the bad bits. I get to love and laugh, to fight and argue, to be right and shown how wrong I am and trust me that happens a lot. I get to talk to my loved ones, to struggle with lectures and essays, to go to church and worship with others, to try to find just where I fit in this crazy thing we call life. I get to do all of that and I am so grateful that I can, but that does not mean that I am not overcome with the feeling of panic just now, as it was at this point the last time round that the leukemia returned. Most days I cope, but just now I feel a bit like a walking timebomb. In the next few weeks I need to have the results of a blood test to show whether my donor cells are in control or not, I need to have another bone marrow to see if I am still in remission or not, I have to have an intrathecal to see if the leukemia has made it to my brain or not (and yes my recent MRI shows I have one ;o) and chemo to try to stop it. I need to be poked, prodded, and bled and I need to do it all with my fingers crossed and a prayer on my lips. I need to do it and I am so glad I can but there are just some days when I get tired, when I want to shout why me, what exactly have I done? (But the reality is why not me, what makes me think I am so special) When the anxiety becomes overwhelming and I wish that I could hit the pause button and just take a breath. There are moments when I want to say no more, no more needles and injections, no more tests and doctors appointments, no more trying to be fine and strong and sure when I am not, when I am scared and tired and sore. Then I remember how blessed I am, how loved I am and the knowledge that I am not doing this alone, that you are there with me makes everything ok. So the 13th, unlucky for some, but not for me, this time I am going to make it. Bring on the doctors, the needles, the chemo, the waiting for results, for if nothing else these last few years have shown me that there are some days when I may be down but I am not out, not by a long shot (I hope ;o) xxx