Today has been an interesting day. Today I moved to Drumnadrochit to begin a 10 week placement in the Church of Scotland there. This is something I never imagined I would be doing this time last year. In fact there were days last week when I did not think I would be doing it, as I struggled with exhaustion on a level I have not felt in almost a year. But here I am. Handing everything over to God and trusting that He has me exactly where I should be. Trusting God, even when driving here today was so very difficult, as it is the first time that I have left to go somewhere and dad has not been there to tell me to be safe, to check this, that or the next thing, to tell me to phone when I arrived. I was halfway over the hill when it hit me, and gosh I miss him, crying and driving down that road is not something I would advise. But then I had to laugh, as I have peacock seat covers in the car, so there is a little bit of dad coming with me even if he would never choose to leave Glenelg to go work for the Church (although his family came to Glenelg to work for the Church). So here I am, ready for my next great adventure. I would like to say bring it on, that I am ready, but with the way my life tends to work that might just be asking for trouble ;o) Instead I tread softly into the coming weeks, softly but with a small spark of hope in my heart.
There are some days when it feels like cancer is winning, and I don’t mean that it is back (at least I hope not) it is just that it takes and takes and takes and gives very little in return – nope nothing, nothing in return. No that is not true, it has shown me the true meaning of love, love of God, love of friends (thank you Fiona for driving me to Inverness) and love of family. But while it has shown me the true meaning of love it has also taken time away from me and those I love. Anyway, I went for a bone marrow two weeks ago but it got damaged in the post, so I had to go back for another one today. Every time it gets harder to walk in to the room where you know they are going to cause you pain and all you can do is laugh and all they can do is say “sorry, oh by the way in a months time you have to come back for a intrathecal.” Not a needle in my bone that time but one in my spine to give me chemo and check for leukaemia cells there. Today they also took blood to see if my transplant is working better and if my beasties have gone – my life is not so much sex, drugs and rock and roll, more blood, bone, and beasties. Every couple of months I have to cross my, well everything, pray and hope for the best, but living on hope is so hard at times. It seems like I am always either getting stabbed or waiting on the results. Some people think what I do is brave, but tonight all I feel is tired and numb, so numb. And I know that tomorrow I could get run over by a bus, and there are millions of people worse off than me, but when you are constantly being tested, treated or waiting on results life can become somewhat grey around the edges. Grey and numb that just about sums me up at the moment, but tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, who knows what tomorrow will bring, while there may be no sunshine, sparkles and glitter (I don’t live in that kind of world), there will also be no needles and tests (yippee) instead there will be friends, family and God and I think that will probably be enough.
Just for fun, this is the needle that they stuck in my hip bone, sort of like a corkscrew – maybe I am like an old wine xxx