That sinking feeling.

So this has not been the easiest week in my life and thus I may have seemed a little bit quieter than usual.  On Monday I was to start a brand new treatment never used by the Beatson before, but there was a little bit of a legal hitch and I had to have a bone marrow before they would start treatment.  The bone marrow was carried out on Tuesday and on Wednesday I was told that the chemo is not working and the leukemia has increased.  This was very hard to take as I had been feeling so positive up to that point and it has taken me some to time to pull myself together and start to get to grips with this news.  They only way I can explain it is it is like being trapped in a sinking boat with sharks all around and only a tin can to bail you out – at no time are you willing or able to stop but the water just keeps getting higher.

On the plus side I did sneak home for the night so I could see the dentist as if I am going to have a transplant then my teeth have to be in good condition.  It was great to be home and so hard to come back but if the docs knew I was not in Glasgow they may have killed me themselves.  It is so funny to be planning for the future and worrying that you may not have one.   I want to live, become a minister, get my masters, fall in love and dance in the kitchen (thanks Tom Paxton), make it to Christmas, have that party I promise we will have when I am better, get a dog, watch how your lives turn out, travel the world, have another birthday, be there with my family and watch Rory, Cameron and Louise live their lives, spend more time, more time, more time doing all these things and so much more.  So this week I am back to plan A – beat leukemia and to do that I have had to dust myself down and start living RIGHT NOW.  So I am sorry I have been quiet but I am back now and while this new treatment I have started has a ‘this may kill you’ warning written all over it, it is my best hope (faith aside) and so long as there is hope there is life and right now that works for me.

One comment

  1. Mary Fennell · October 29, 2019

    Hi Jade it’s always good to see your posts even although you are going through a hard time and always with a sense of humour, glad to hear you rebelled a bit not sure it was wise but sometimes it feels good to do something you shouldn’t.
    You have a vision/dream of what you want to do and be, hang onto that we in Strath and Sleat along with you will pray that into reality. God bless you Jade lots of love Mary


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