The gift that keeps giving.

Tonight I was cleaning out the fridge (yes I do do it from time to time) when it suddenly struck me how lucky I was that I no longer had to worry about being neutropenic and then boom I realised that it is only a couple of weeks until my next blood test.  Where did the three months go to?  Now I know that I am ok but it did not stop me from having to catch my breath.  I know how I lucky I am, but sometimes the word remission does not feel quite as safe as it should.  Remission the word I could not wait to hear is now the word I cling to like a lifebelt when my bones ache from standing too long at work, or I find a bruise which I can’t remember causing, or a wake up at night sweating from a bad dream.  Remission is what I was lucky enough to achieve, while so many others did and do not.  Remission is where I know I am going to stay but on nights like tonight it is such a fragile word, one that can ripped apart by a simple blood test.   I guess what I am discovering  tonight is that while living with cancer was hell, living after cancer is a path that I am still trying to navigate.  I guess tonight is just one of these nights where I have to stop trying to understand everything, the why’s and the how’s, and just give it all over to God because I know that right now I have no answers.

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