The thing about receiving chemo is that for something that is so completely lifesaving, it is a totally “nothing” looking drug.  Sure it comes in many forms and colours but it really looks no different to the flushes or the anti-sickness tablets that they give us.  Also, apart from the hair loss, to look at me from the outside there is very little difference.  In fact the other night the Brat was debating whether I have cancer all.  There are moments when I really love that child and others when I would gladly offer her free to a “reasonably okish” home on ebay (any takers?).  I know that I have been very lucky with my treatment, I have only needed platelets once, only had a handful of infections and only actually been sick once from the chemo (God bless the anti-sickness medication that they use).  That said having chemo is not that much of a walk in the park.  Take last Tuesday for instance, with ALL I need to have chemo injected into my spine (to stop the leukaemia finding what little is left of my brain) but the doctors were struggling to find the space between the bone.  While a local anaesthetic is used, each time that the syringe found my spine was agony and there were a few times when I wanted to say enough was enough.  However, at no time have ever said that and I am not going to start now but I was never so glad as when they decided to give up and try again tomorrow.   The chemo is also causing me to be exhausted in a way that I never imagined.  It is a completely physical and mental tiredness with even my joints and muscles getting in on the action and it is one that no amount of sleep seems to totally cure.   I know that there are things I should be doing, people I should be talking to but there are some nights even making dinner is too hard and I have to quit so everything is kind of being left on the backburner at the moment.  Then there are the bigger things that chemo has taken away from me.  I always wanted a family but just never met the right person at the right time and always thought I would have time but sadly since I have started chemo my periods have stopped and I am getting hot flushes (which are just so much fun). There are days when knowing that children are no longer an option for me that can be quite brutal but then I look at what I have and know that I am so very, very lucky (ok so I will keep the Brat).  I have amazing family and friends, and while having them in my life will never let me know what it is like to hold my own child in my arms for the first time, they do let me know what it is like to be loved and to love. And finally tonight while I am on the evils of chemo this wonderful, life-saving drug has done something almost unforgivable.  It has changed how things taste.  It does this because it can affect the soft tissue including the taste buds and this means that in my times of self-pity I can’t even turn to chocolate for comfort.  While most foods just taste of nothing at the moment (thus the almost killing mum and Louise with chilli) sweet foods taste salty and therefore my strongest supporter has abandoned me.  Oh well as the weight falls off me Louise will probably decided that I am visiting a health spa not the hospital and she will be back on ebay before you know it.