Feeling better

I have spent the last week feeling ill  – thank you Mr Chemo.  I also still have a blood clot (somewhere) but as of today I am trying to get it together and start acting like I am not ill.  As of this point I still have cards and gifts to open, from my birthday, but I want to open them when I am feeling ok and not at this moment when I am feeling like death warmed up.  I have decided to move home on Sunday as the treatment is on a standstill yet again until the clot goes.  This means that Rhona and Alan can have their house back and I can stop living in their upstairs bedroom like some lunatic aunt from a Bronte novel.   However, I do this, in the knowledge that I can move back down (and resume lunatic aunt status) as and when I need to.  I have also spent the last week realising that I don’t want my life to go back to the way it was before.   I know that because of the liver problems the doctors don’t want to do the transplant and I am not sure what that means for me long terms as yet.  All I know is that I  really want to start living and enjoying my life.  Living with this clot and knowing that it could move (and possibly damage if not kill me) is making me very appreciative of the time that I have had and am still to have.  I want to spend more time with the people I care about doing the things that I enjoy.  I want to start working outdoors more and enjoying each day for what it brings.  This year I am going to learn how to garden (my mother is probably killing herself laughing about now) and I am going to finally make the jams, juices etc. I have been telling myself that I would do every year.  This year I am going to start “doing” and stop waiting.  We only get one go at this life thing and I have let so much of it slip away but not any more  Sure I know that there are still lots of days to come when I will feel ill, when even getting up and dressed will be an achievement, but that is ok because for every bad day I hope there will be numerous good days which I will grasp with both hands and enjoy.  None of us know what is around the corner.  If today was your last day are you living it the way you would want to?  Is there anything that you would change?  If there is then now is the time to change it, because honestly you might not get another shot, and for me that is a terrifying prospect.

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