Feeling a little blue.

There are some days when it feels like cancer is winning, and I don’t mean that it is back (at least I hope not) it is just that it takes and takes and takes and gives very little in return – nope nothing, nothing in return. No that is not true, it has shown me the true meaning of love, love of God, love of friends (thank you Fiona for driving me to Inverness) and love of family. But while it has shown me the true meaning of love it has also taken time away from me and those I love. Anyway, I went for a bone marrow two weeks ago but it got damaged in the post, so I had to go back for another one today. Every time it gets harder to walk in to the room where you know they are going to cause you pain and all you can do is laugh and all they can do is say “sorry, oh by the way in a months time you have to come back for a intrathecal.” Not a needle in my bone that time but one in my spine to give me chemo and check for leukaemia cells there. Today they also took blood to see if my transplant is working better and if my beasties have gone – my life is not so much sex, drugs and rock and roll, more blood, bone, and beasties. Every couple of months I have to cross my, well everything, pray and hope for the best, but living on hope is so hard at times. It seems like I am always either getting stabbed or waiting on the results. Some people think what I do is brave, but tonight all I feel is tired and numb, so numb. And I know that tomorrow I could get run over by a bus, and there are millions of people worse off than me, but when you are constantly being tested, treated or waiting on results life can become somewhat grey around the edges. Grey and numb that just about sums me up at the moment, but tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, who knows what tomorrow will bring, while there may be no sunshine, sparkles and glitter (I don’t live in that kind of world), there will also be no needles and tests (yippee) instead there will be friends, family and God and I think that will probably be enough.

Just for fun, this is the needle that they stuck in my hip bone, sort of like a corkscrew – maybe I am like an old wine xxx

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