Insomnia, not exactly a bad word in the real world but here in Leukemia Land it is a real monster with arms, legs and a venomous bite. Here it has you sitting in the dark worrying about everything. Thinking of all the ifs and buts, the risks, the drugs, the statistics (now they are things that one must really stay away from ;o)
Boom – ‘Your cancer is back’
Boom – ‘Move to Glasgow – find a place to live’
Boom – ‘Start treatment straight away’
Tick, tick, tick. Did all of that (more or less) but now, now treatment has began, now I am stuck in the hospital, now I have all this time on my hands. This weekend I was supposed to get out and spend some time with friends and family (it is called a weekend pass) but due to steroid induced problems and neutropenia (low blood levels meaning I can’t fight infection) I only got out for a few hours here and there and I could only see my sister briefly in passing and had to abandon a friends in the middle of the first evening in order to come back in to hospital for treatment, none of which were part of the plan. The Plan – I think that is something I am just going to have to give up on just now. Accept that there really is a time to give it all over to God and stop trying to tick all the boxes. In saying that tomorrow (today) I am going to ask the doctors what exactly the plan for my treatment is. While this weekend may have shown me that my control is lacking (and yes some of you might have known that for a while ;o) that does not mean that I can’t at the very basic level gain some insight to what is round the corner – where we are going and while it maybe true that the statistics are not on my side, I am so much more than just a number. I am a fighter, a believer, I am someone who is not going to just sit back and let this monster win. I am going to give this my ALL, pardon the pun, and after this post I am going to try and do it with more humour and positivity (maybe even some sparkles and panache). But tonight I am tired and Leukemia Land Insomnia has teeth and a vicious bite and while he may not have done any permanent damage, and he really is no big deal in the grand scheme of things, he has left me a little more bruised and little more tender and for that I won’t forgive him.