Life but not as I knew it.

Cancer, cancer is destructive in oh so many ways and not just for the person that has it. My friends and especially my family have had to go on this journey with me (and in the case of my family they had no choice ;o)  and I know that it has not been easy for them and they are still dealing with issues.  It was not easy when my sister was tested as a donor but was not a match, it was not easy for my nephew who wanted to help but ended up in tears at school, it was not easy for my parents to not be able to fix the problem and it was not easy for my niece who had to learn the difference between cooking times for microwaves and ovens the hard way.  It was probably a lot easier for me as I had no choice and just had to deal, but still this week the shoe was on the other foot as dad was in hospital (he got out tonight) and I had to choose whether to stay up north or come down for chemo.  I came down but am booked on the silly o’clock bus to go home again tomorrow.

Tonight I also realised that I have kind of being living life in neutral and waiting for the treatment to end.  But what happens then?  Do I continue not doing anything just in case it comes back and yes it is easy to be confident that I am cured when on the chemo but what happens when they take those training wheels away?  I have started to make small steps, I am doing my degree and I am training for the children’s panel but what about the bigger picture?  Ok I am very good at saying what life does not involve, no size 10 clothes, no offshore bank accounts, no marriage and certainly no kids now but I have decided that I am going to use these next few months to work out what my life does involve as once my treatment is finished I am going to try not to sit and worry about cancer coming back as life is far too short for that – take it from someone who knows.

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