Life on a hospital ward is an interesting experience.  How you feel each day can at times be dictated to you, not just by your own circumstances but also by those of others in the ward, how they are feeling, what their friends and family are like, results from tests (and no closing the curtains does not make the rest of us deaf!), treatments and a million other significant and insignificant little things.

Life on my ward has changed a bit.  Every few days there is  a turn over of patients although some escapees return regularly which is nice as you get to know them and their families.  At the moment the patients on the ward are older (as with everything I am being awkward and don’t quite fit the age range) and are all bonding over their problems – none of which are insignificant (you can trust me on that) .  Now it is not that I don’t understand where they are coming from, nor is it that I think that we should be unable to say that “this suck and I am terrified that I am going to die” but it is just that sometimes I think negativity can breed negativity.  While I know my friends and family don’t want to hear me say that I am sometimes terrified about what the future now holds, (not because I don’t think I will beat this this time, but because I am frightened that it will come back like the statistics show and that next time I won’t be s lucky) I also know that I don’t have the energy to keep bouncing back from total doom and gloom all the time.  That said I am sure that I am equally, if not more so, annoying with my “chin up keep  going forward” attitude.  Add to that the fact that one of the new patients is just in for observation and keeps telling her family that “at least she is not as bad as these poor souls” and I am amazed I am not in prison now rather than hospital.  I am not a poor soul.  I am annoying, argumentative, irritating, loving, funny, caring, rude, polite, selfish, generous, kind, hurtful….pick any of one of those but I AM NOT A POOR SOUL.

Yes I may be on a cancer ward and yes I may be receiving treatment for said cancer but I am so much more than that – oh and on a side note I actually feel better than I have in months.  So far I have had no ill effects from any of the drugs, I have been exercising daily (yes, yes I know ok), I do not have to lift a finger to do anything and generally just swan around all day like Lady Muck.  I do not want or need anyone’s sympathy.  I want and need your strength and encouragement, I want you to listen to me and hear what I am saying and what I am not saying, I want you to shout at me and tell me when I am in the wrong, I want you to tell me your triumphs and problems and let me be there for you, I want to be able to lean on you and for you to be able to lean on me but I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me.  So there, rant over!